ALRIGHT INTERNET. I’ve unintentionally taken this three year hiatus from writing here; I guess I just kind of got busy being twenty something and farting around in the world, plus I moved a bunch of times and it’s really hard to keep track of popsicle sticks and glue when you keep packing and unpacking. Its even harder to justify finding a place to pack that shit, because you realize you’re way too old to be playing with glue and construction paper each time and it gets harder and harder to drag it to the next apartment...hence the lack of popsicle people with this post.
ANYWAY.
By now, I’ve accidentally moved to San Francisco. I’m still cooking, and now am in the midst of un-successfully finding a new apartment in the city. It’s a flippin’ jungle out here! Like, they talk about the SF housing-crisis on national news. All these young, successful kids working for Google and Twitter are swooping in and taking all the cool spots that I wanna live in, and it sure doesn’t hurt that they make like 4 times as much money as me, right outta school. So, what am I gonna do, ya know? The answer to that is probably that I should stop farting around on the internet and quit cooking and get a job with benefits and higher pay that matches my 401k contributions, right? Alright…maybe when I’m in my 30’s. Then I’ll rename this thing “Reasons Why My Life Sucks and You Don’t Think I’m Funny Anymore Because I Became Responsible.” Still have a few years till I smarten up and THAT happens.
AGAIN. ANYWAY.
I’ve been fruitlessly attempting to find a new place for like 2 months now (renting from some wonderfully gracious family at the moment, but desperately trying to get out of their hair so they can rent this place for what it asks on the market, a number which makes me barf a little when I see it), and in the meantime I’ve compiled what I see as a really useful translator for apartment ads on craigslist. In the midst of this housing crisis, ads can be a bit ambiguous, as landlords and roommates don’t have to be as specific or, let’s face it, truthful, in order to get a plethora of eager responses, from which they can cherry pick their prospective new tenants. So here’s my translator for some of the key phrases I’ve been coming across lately. Hope this helps, renters.
"Cozy Studio"
...smaller than the smallest closet your brain can imagine. And I can imagine quite a bit.
"420 Friendly"
...it smells like cat pee and weed here and it's ok if you're a drooling moron as long as we get some rent sometimes and sometimes we forget too LOLOLOL
"No Overnight Guests"
...so I can kill you in your sleep and nobody will know for like 8 days.
"Communal Bathroom"
...comes with complementary athletes foot.
"Fresh Paint"
...the paint was fresh the last time we painted, which was before Britney Spears lost her virginity.
"Charming Studio"
...see translation for "Cozy Studio," it's also located in the Tenderloin, and somebody pooped in the lobby this morning.
"Room in Tendernob"
...room in the most tender of the Tenderloin, with nothing nobby about it.
"Fully Furnished"
...free bedbugs, a cat pee stain, a dresser that looks like its from Suessical the Musical and also, hey what the shoot, maybe some athletes foot.
"Inner Sunset"
...Outer Sunset.
"Inner Richmond"
...use your fucking imagination.
"Cute Room in Russian Hill Flat, Female Only"
...we're gigantic bitches with extensive collections of Michael Kors bags and probably already hate you. The "cute" part of the room is that it's the walk-in closet of the girl with the richest dad.
"Walking Distance to Downtown, UCSF, Fisherman's Wharf, the Ocean, Financial District, & Golden Gate Park"
...while these aren't all lies, it's important to remember that you can also walk from Georgia to Maine. It's called the Appalachian Trail.
"Available NOW"
...somebody moved in while you were trying to click on the "reply" button.
Hope this was helpful. Happy hunting!
