1. Middle Part: Since the Head Shaving Incident, I've been trying, fruitlessly, to grow it long again. I keep getting it to a cute little Julie Andrews length, then I panic and cut it all off. The short hairdo then begets a true miracle of modern science as my hair parts down the middle each night while I'm asleep. Think Dwight Schrute from NBC's The Office.
2. Poor Eyesight: I can't see a damn thing. I wear contacts all day long, but at night and in the morning, in order to navigate myself to and from the bathroom I have gigantic glasses that I need to wear. The lenses are so thick that they make my head look freakishly tiny.
3. Pajama Choice: It's a giant t-shirt from 2009 Winter Carnival in Saranac Lake. Or it's a giant Grateful Dead t-shirt. Or maybe it's a giant 1993 Freihofer's Run For Women t-shirt.
4. Bunchy Underpants: I probably have a huge wedgie too.
Now for the real pisser.
This is what I look like when I wake up with a hangover:
1. Middle Part, Intensified: The same problem occurs as would on any given night, but the problem is exacerbated by the addition of hair product the night before. This means lather, rinse, repeat ad nauseum by the time I've scraped myself out of bed and into the shower.
2. The Eyes: As you can see, I've forgotten to take my contacts out. My desiccated eyeballs are stuck wide open with a thick crust of waterproof mascara all around the socket. I've also probably lost one or both earrings.
3. We'll just say morning breath and leave it at that.
4. Pajama Choice: I've elected to sleep in the dress I put on about 10 hours earlier. It's wrinkled and terrible and smells like a bar, and now my bedsheets do too.
5. Woops: Looks like I dropped an entire slice of pizza on my dress. Like an asshole.
6. Bunchy Underpants: I definitely have a huge wedgie.
